Picking up my tent pegs and moving on

IM guess things are just not going to go my way. Some of you may know but others don't. I still have not "passed" the baby and was trying to wait it out and let it happen naturally but it looks like my body just it not getting the message.

The rest of this message might be TMI for some readers (mainly male) so read on with caution.

I started medication on Thursday night called Misoprostol to start by body contracting and releasing the baby. Prior to this medication I was not even bleeding. My uterus just didn't know to let go of the baby. Well, the medication started contractions and a little bleeding but did not dilate my cervix and therefore did not get the job started well enough. The doctor now wants to do a D & C. I asked about upping the dosage of isoprostol and she said she could quadruple (X4) the dosage and that would make sure the medication would work but with that high of an increase I could have severe symptoms and would exponentially increase my risk of a ruptured uterus that the medication in that high a dose would make the experience in her words "very violent". She said it is something she would not want to put her body through. So, I have to heed to her advice and take the advice of wise counsel. Even though she is my "new" doctor I really trust her. And, her husband is one of our favorite Pediatricians so I figure they are a pretty smart family (and have kids almost the same ages as ours-the last one was born two days after Kaden).

So, even though a D & C is not what I wanted or want it looks like at this point it is what my body needs in order to pass the baby and begin to heal. It's been a very long two and half weeks but in retrospect it has given me the time to heal and accept all of this. I think without the time I would have been second guessing myself about my decisions but I feel like I have exhausted all available avenues and now its time.

In the beginning of all this I was reading about the Israelites and how they were annoying God by wanting everything NOW when God promised he would take care of them nothing was ever good enough for them. So, I felt like I needed to be patient and allow God to work in my life and take the natural route. Well, on Thursday I was presented the same story (different verse) but this time with a different message.

^{Exodus 14:13-15
13} Moses answered the people, "Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the LORD will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. ¹⁴ The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still." ¹⁵ Then the LORD said to Moses, "Why are you crying out to me? Tell the Israelites to move on.

I had been taking the first part "stand firm and wait and the LORD will help you through it" but now see the last part "why are you crying-doctors can help you-move on!!"

So all that being said I am scheduled for a D&C at 7:00 am at Winnie and Dr. Emma Fritz will be doing the procedure.

25% of Women experience this in their childbearing years?

Answer: What is a Miscarriage

In my particular case this involves a "Missed Miscarriage": Women can experience a miscarriage without knowing it. A missed miscarriage is when embryonic death has occurred but there is not any expulsion of the embryo. It is not known why this occurs. Signs of this would be a loss of pregnancy symptoms and the absence of fetal heart tones found on an ultrasound.

For the time being we are choosing "Expectant Management": The medical term for choosing a natural miscarriage rather than ending a nonviable pregnancy through D & C or medical induction of the miscarriage.

On Monday February 8th I went in for a routine OB appointment at 10 weeks where I was simply expecting a Pap and to listen to the heartbeat. I had plans to return to work afterwards, but my afternoon was thrown way off course.

First off, I-4 traffic was terrible and I arrived 15 minutes late; something which I don't like to do and makes my blood pressure rise. After settling into the office, the nurse tried to find the heartbeat with the Doppler and could not. She reassured me "no worries, sometimes I am just not good at getting this". Then the doctor came in did her usual stuff and then tried to find the heartbeat as well, with no success. She again reassured me "your uterus has grown since your last visit, you'll be fine, but we can do an ultrasound so you can hear the heart beat and be reassured".

Upon seeing the ultrasound image on their lovely wide screen flat panel TV, I knew what was coming before she even said anything. I could see my little baby head, arms, legs and all. However, they were floating lifelessly like I have never seen before. Typically in my experience, anytime I have seen my children on the screen their arms and legs are moving a million miles an hour like they have ants in their pants. This baby remained still. Also, I have always seen a little black center that flickers right where their little heart is. This baby had no black circle and no flickering.

She turned the monitor off and grabbed my hand and said "I am soo sorry". She told me that the baby was still measuring on target (10 weeks) so it must have lost it's heart beat in just the past few days. I cried for a little bit and the doctor then explained my options. I listened then asked if I could please have a picture and she obliged. She lead me out a back door so I didn't have to see all the pregnant women in the waiting room and told me to call her in the morning with any questions and to let her know what I wanted to do about it.

I called Fadi and sat in the car for a while. I figured it wasn't too safe to drive around with my eyes filled with tears. It does make it hard to see.

So, for now we are just waiting. Once I pass it if enough tissue is viable they may be able to test it for the chromosomal abnormalities that Eli has to see if that was the cause. But the doctor said it just happens sometimes and they may not be able to find the cause.

"For I am the LORD your GOD, who takes hold of your right hand, and say's do not fear, for I will help you" Isaiah 41:3

"When we go through deep waters and great trouble, I will be with you. When you go through the rivers of difficulty, you will not drown! When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames wil not consume you. For I AM the LORD you GOD, and the HOLY ONE of Israel, your SAVIOR." Isaiah 43:2-3

This one is different

So far this pregnancy does seem a little different than my previous two. Now, I am not saying that this means it's a girl by any means....I am just saying it's different. Sometimes the differences make me happy and sometimes the differences make me scared.
The pregnancy started off kinda like Eli's where I thought my due date would be one date and after the first doctor's visit she moves it almost 10 days out! I think that's a huge difference but I guess a long cycle will do that to you. But then it makes me scared.....is the due date really 10 days later or is the baby small and underdeveloped like Eli since they moved his date too and Kaden's was only moved 2 days?
Then the sickness came just the same as with both the boys at night. Which I can totally handle and am just so grateful it is not as bad as I have heard stories about. Very grateful for this aspect of my pregnancies.
Then after my blood/urine work the doctor called and said there was something in my urine and wanted to put me on an antibiotic. She said no big deal very common but still I worried what about the baby. And, let me tell you that antibiotic did not sit well with my stomach. I felt very, very ill for like three days and had to call the doctor and ask if I could stop. She said yes and boy was I glad.
I am just over 9 weeks now and feel just fine. I was for sure that I would be wearing maternity clothes by now since with Eli I was at like 12 weeks and with Kaden I was at 8 weeks. I figured with #3 I would blow up right away. But I am still holding on to my regular clothes. I am starting to feel the squeeze but haven't really had to make the transition.
The main difference I see is that I crave things I don't think I have ever eaten. Like tomato soup with goldfish crackers. I craved it the other day and have no idea why. And, I am craving more fruit and bread/grain which I did not crave so much with the boys. With them I just craved salt and McD's french fries (which I do still oh so love).